I tried to take a second to actually think about what I was getting from social media exactly and it became so obvious I had to write this. I am addicted to the reactionary responses. Im obsessed with the simplicity of having an external driver inspiring my thoughts and emotions.

I shunned Twitter for these things, thinking I was ‘better than’ what I perceived to be a mutant hive mind expressing and reacting to itself ad nauseam, but then reached for what seemed like the blissful utopian clouds of Reddit where I was basically taking part in the exact same thing (albeit on an emotionally more uplifting note, due to the ability to better filter the types of content I saw).

So I had this revelation that I was simply jonesin’ for a reaction… I was perpetually searching for someone to make me feel a certain way. Letting my own muscles of emotion atrophy… it was easier to feel what everyone else felt (or be judgementally opposed it) based on the content I was seeing for that second. The moment only had to last as long as I was letting it, since I could quickly move on to the next thing as soon as I started thinking my own thoughts again.

There was a feeling of belonging to community to this, though… and I think that will be hard to get over, but i’m gonna try to focus on the actual people in my life for that for a while. It seems ridiculous that it even has to be something I attempt, and that it’s not something that is just normal to begin with. I feel alienated from literally everyone I know these days but it’s probably something that can be worked on, especially if it’s with the time and dedication I previously spent on trying to get upvotes from strangers for stupid or witty things I wrote.

It’s worth a shot, anyway.